expressions of a hopeless romantic

11 Nov 06

9:00 pm

     It’s the night I’m starting to feel it. The feeling of being alone. Being sad… I know I’m going through a lot of changes right now - family, love one, church, friends and work. It’s all sinking into me, things that I only see in Hollywood movies. Growing up to see how things work around you. How a man handles the complexity of relationships, of commitments, of emotions, of personal issues, of love, and of life.. things that, a lot of times, get murky and messed up.

     Whenever life seems to be going right, there’s always something new to deal with. I didn’t realize these things until recently. A friend of mine lost her father. I witnessed a bit of how my friend played the role she didn’t have the luxury not to choose. It was given to her. And no matter what, she has to accept it. It’s part of life. I witnessed her strength. She was this tiny girl with the big role to play, with everyone around her somehow pulling her down at times. I admire her strength. She became my girlfriend’s dance mate.. and I’m happy for them. What happened to her was a mirror for me, for all of us. How fleeting life is. Somehow, I felt how I’ve been to my family. How I’ve been to the family I love.. to the family that I know I love but forgot that I love them until recently.

    My brother, with his family, recently moved back in the house. It was a bit stressful at first, being used to being alone. But it was a really wonderful event. Just this minute ago, my brother went home with his son. He asked me to hold Gabby for a while when he came to fix a few things. I held my nephew as if I wasn’t able to hold him for years. I played with him these past few days but at that moment, I felt how things went around. I used to be the one carried around, being the youngest. Now, I’m holding a new person in queue, an innocent and cute, 6 month old baby, so gentle and excited about life. His laughter never fails to tear down my weariness. With him in my arms, I felt so left out of what life really is all about. It actually lasted for just about 30 seconds, but the moment seemed so real and pure that I’m trying to hold on to it at this very moment.

     Just this afternoon, my girlfriend and I had a bit of discussion. It was about how we are adapting to the changes we are facing. She speaks of life everyday.. the exciting, the mundane, the funny, the colorful. But sometimes, I don’t know why, but I feel a bit crowded with some things that she does. It happens on me. Then suddenly, I feel so careless and stupid of telling her how I felt. She is this fragile, bursting with energy, talk a lot, spoiled brat girl who always.. color my world. I love her. I love her so much. There are just these times that a man wants to be silent, only finding out how sad he is because of wanting to be alone. A movie once stated, “people get married because they want a witness to their lives”. I get irritated a lot of times with her, yet I know, I wouldn’t want anybody else to be “the witness of my life”, but her. Someday, I wanna be with her for good. In fact, I want to be always there for her. But no matter how a man tries to be Superman, he still has his kryptonites to get rid off.

     I’m hoping I could attend church tomorrow. Its Saturday night tonight and most of the male yuppies are going out to see the National Youth Day female delegates from around the country. Hehe. For me, I thought of staying home just to be away from the crowd for a bit. There was this time that I spoke in front of my church brethren about how many people disregard church because it simply is boring and predictable. Before, I spoke of people going out every Saturday night, not being able to attend church the day after because of hang-over. Then, I became one of them. I don’t know why but somehow, when I spoke those words in the pulpit that day, it felt so empty. Empty in such a way that it’s coming from someone who hasn’t been their.. until recently. I felt how lost I am right now.. how a strict to the letter, teenage church freak became a typical secular guy. Lost and tired, and sad. But I’m hopeful. Even though I failed myself, God never fails. I know He’s waiting.. for the children He’s always loved to come back to Him. I never want to dwell in the negative things in life. Maybe I’m a bit sentimental, like now. But it works for me. It makes me see things from afar. It makes me laugh. It makes me cry. It makes me look back at my life and makes me take another step in front towards what the future holds for me.

     What’s next? Oh, yeah. Next is friends. Hmm.. I don’t have a lot to say about my friends right now.. so maybe I’ll skip to the last part – work.

     Work work work… it’s interesting. It’s fun and tiring at the same time. At least I’m having fun. When I graduated college, I realized that I have two options for my career – to look for a job that pays a lot yet not the one that you really want to do forever. The other, to look for a job that doesn’t pay much but never makes you feel exhausted. The third option, which not many get to have, is to have a job that you never grow tired of doing and pays just enough to have a house, raise a family, and drive a Mercedes. Hehe. Just allow me to dream of that last one for now. I remember during college how indulgent I am with the things I love to do. I do things passionately. I never do things I don’t want to do. I was actually afraid that becomes a hindrance for me in finding a job. But.. I can’t afford to remain like that. If I have goals to achieve, there will really be times that you’ll have to “scrub the forgotten sink at the basement”. Hehe. I’m happy with my job right now though. I’m hopeful. I always try to be. I just have to have focus when it is necessary and relax at times to keep my sanity.

     So, that’s it. All have been said for now. Tomorrow, I think I’ll feel weird writing this blog at tonight. But it’s rewarding. Today is not about tomorrow. Today is about today. And with the things at hand, please allow me to do it with passion, with joy, with color, with love, with contentment and with fun.

P.S.

Guess what, I feel better now. Maayo nalang, nay blog ang friendster.. hehe!

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 11th, 2006 at 7:45 am and is filed under moods. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.